Repeated Apologies
by Sorry
Summary: Set after BtVS 7x2 (Beneath You), and AU from there. Buffy takes Spike off the cross and brings him home with her. She talks to him while he's unconcious, trying to piece together what she'll tell him when he comes to...
1. I'm sorry

Sorry

"When I looked at you, draped over the cross, hugging it… the smoke was rising from your body… I never cried for someone else, you know. I don't even know if I was crying for you in the church. I couldn't have been crying for myself. My life was back in order, even though my sister now goes to school over the Hellmouth. And if I wasn't crying for myself; it must've been for you. I don't know. But I do know that I would have done something horrible to you if no one had come in after me. I felt such a rage rise inside of me… it wasn't fit for a rational creature. You and I were both lucky Anya teleported to the church to give me a piece of her mind.

Seeing her made me come back to myself. I was no longer frozen with silent tears running down my face. I could move again, and I did. I tore you away from the cross and I threw you right across the church. I was shocked and angry and sad and a thousand other things all at the same time. This must be how you feel all the time. All I do is shut off my heart and let my head do all the talking. No solution but my fists, although you know that already.

I shook off these feelings and ran over to you; you were burnt, bruised, bleeding. You were a mess, Spike.  
I saw you. I saw _you_. I never did, and I guess that makes me blind. I picked you up and I carried you outside. Anya was gone and without any interruptions I took you home. We were the only ones home and I carried you up to my bedroom. I put you in my bed, but I was afraid to do anything else. I wasn't tired, I didn't want to sleep.

I looked at you. I just kept looking at you, I couldn't help myself. Looking was all I was allowed to do anymore. Everything you are now; everything, it's all my fault. But I've come to this realization far too late, and I'm so terribly sorry.

When the sun was about to rise I covered the windows, and at six in the morning I went away to remind Dawn of a few things. She's been sneaking out of the house every night. It's not like I haven't noticed.

But this isn't about her. It's about you. I don't know what to do," Buffy sighed. She looked at the unconscious vampire and was once again amazed at how he looked the same asleep as he did awake. Everyone else she knew, even Angel, relaxed when they were asleep. Spike's guards were still up. She wondered what he would look like when all his layers of defense were down. Below the Master Vampire, below the punk, below… Buffy realized she didn't know him well enough to name everything that he was. She'd never bothered to look past 'vampire' and 'punk'. "I made so many mistakes," she whispered.

            ^

I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Story will be continued.


	2. Forgive me

Forgive me

"Why can't I ever say what I mean when what I mean to say isn't intended to be mean? If you're still with me, that is. 

I can't stop looking at you. I don't feel like I even should be allowed to look at you, Spike. But I can't stop. You've always had a way of knowing how to confront me with my mistakes, even if last year you made tons of your own. I'm not attacking you—but you were wrong to let me do what I did. I realize now that it was all me. 

No, some of it was you; but by far the most, it was me. I made horrible mistakes, but you were wrong. I couldn't have grown to accept any feelings I had for you. Ignoring them was so easy… ignoring _you_ was so easy. Do you remember that time the Nerdy Three had turned me invisible? I know you do. Do you remember what I did? How can you not. Not because of what it was and not because you can't forget. I wonder, do you remember your own birth?

What are you really like? I know you think there's an angel underneath this bitch, but Spike, I'm not Meredith Brooks. I'm Buffy Summers. I'm not an angel. I'm the Slayer and I'm good at being the Slayer. But I'm also a girl and I'm crap at being a person. But I think I'm changing. I'm kind of gaining an insight into my own life. If I could—if I had the right to—I would ask for your forgiveness. I've given you mine when I laid you down in my bed.

We have trouble again, you know. We've got a problem on our hands; Willow's back. At least she's supposed to be back. We can't find her anywhere. And we've found three flayed people since she was supposed to arrive.

But you don't know about that yet, do you? After what happened, you fled Sunnydale. Anyway, after you left, my Head Arch Nemesis—don't worry; you're still my arch rival and my complete and total equal—came to our house and started shooting. Xander wasn't hit, but I was and so was Tara. He only got me in the shoulder, but one of the stray bullets went straight through Tara's heart. She died in Willow's arms. And Willow… she just lost it. She drained every book on dark magic from the Magic Box and then she set her fury loose on Sunnydale.

She was going wipe the entire planet off the face of the universe. Xander eventually stopped her. 

But I'm worried now, Spike. Giles said she wasn't done with—whatever it was she was doing in England. And with the newly skinless people… Do you think it would be wrong to suspect Will?" Buffy paused and tried to catch her breath, and ran a hand through her hair. She tried to work up the courage to continue; afraid that if she spoke the facts out loud it would make the logical reality. Even if she was talking to herself, it seemed that Spike was somehow listening.

"Yesterday we killed a nasty demon who paralyzed Dawn; and well, ate skin and drank blood. Seeing his victim wasn't pretty, and I…" Buffy trailed off again, unable to bring herself to saying that the two other victims had been killed _after _she and Xander had taken care of Gnarl.

         "It can't be Willow, can it? It can't be her. Please tell me it' couldn't be Willow," Buffy whispered, having finally summoned up the courage to say aloud what she was secretly thinking.

A knock on the door saved Buffy from having to utter further suspicions about one of her best friends. Xander's face appeared and he asked if she could leave, so he could change Spike's bandages. Even though Xander didn't particular like the blond—especially after what had happened the past spring in the Summers bathroom—he had taken it upon himself to change Spike's bandages, because Buffy couldn't bring herself to do it.

The last thing she said before left was a hurriedly whispered 'forgive me'. Then Buffy closed the door.

^

TBC


End file.
